Ashley

Apparently sometimes the little bit of gossip can make everything seem better. AND Hillarious! Thank goodness for friends and the low down.

2007= Over boys, don't swing towards girls, I'll live for just my fam, my friends, and myself!

Apparently if I really liked him I wouldn't have let it go that far. IF I really liked him.

But I was drunk right.
And thought it would be ok.
I need to get this out of my head.
Get over it somehow.
Somehow.

Fuck.

My inhibitions might be down when I'm drinking but its time my morals come up.

I can't sleep. Odd right. I told Jenna tonight. Its weird to think that it has happened and yet it will still probably be light years away from when it happens again. Sometimes I just want it to happen again now. But with someone else. Just so that my last time wasn't with him. The whole kissing thing has already happend, I tend to get kissy when I drink. So at least the last person I kissed isn't him anymore. I know that if it happened though I would regret it the next day. I don't want a high number and I'm not that person. I'm not the person that randomly does that with a guy. Kissing, hell yes I'm that random person..maybe sometimes even more but never that. I think that the saddest thing is that somewhere down the line I still want something more to come of it. Audrey syas it the emotional attachment to it but I really don't think it is. It wasn't good. He wasn't nice and sweet during it. He didn't give me any false thoughts of whats going to come of it. He was very straight forward and blunt and had it perfectly planned all along. He was (is?) an asshole and I was perfectly okay with it while it was happening and at some points I think that I am still okay with. I'm not. I know that I think he is an asshole for what he said to me but then again I didn't stop what was going on. He might not have had it planned before that night, hell before we were in his bed, but he knew what to say and how to say it and how to play it off. He knew that I would be ok and willing because he knew I liked him. Sometimes I just want to be able to talk to him without him having his defense up. Okay maybe just with him not being the cocky self centered person that he apparently is. I want him to hear what I have to say and not want he wants to hear. I want him to think about what we he do if his sister told him a guy had said the things he said to me to her. What would he think then? I can convince myself that I'm not interested in him anymore, hell I think I am even starting to believe it. Its sad. Pathetic. I'm pathetic because I know I still think of the what could have beens and I hate myself for it.

Its so healthy to get what you're thinking out on paper..or a comp I guess...but posting it on the internet for everyone to see. Well I just don't know. What I do know is that I am horrible with a pen and paper journal cause I get too bored and never finish the entry and well really once I was told that if you never want someone to know about something never write it down.

Getting that phone call from Audg today was so exciting! I wish that I could have expressed it more but I was at the doctors office and well my throat wasn't working to well. At least I am on meds now and it will all be better soon. I can't believe that both her and Bec are back and that this semester is already over. I cannot express the excitment to see them.

Tonight was one of the best girl talk nights in awhile. Ok well I enjoyed the deep convo with Heather but this was just good old fashioned blabering about boys, sex, alcohol,drugs, and high school. My sisters really mean a lot to me.

Oh and PS I really love having J as a roommate and Tanner to put a little insight into things.

It feels good and I can really tell that it has passed this time.

I hate having a throat virus. Its like I got my tonsils removed all over again.
I am so happy that Audg and Bec are back in the United States.
I miss Al and Liz..where have you gone my friends.
I love living in 518.
I am going to miss Lauer when she graduates..good thing we are going to Mexico next SB!
I sometimes regret ever opening my mouth.
I didn't get the position at sprint. Sad day.
I hope Bohner can get my ID back.
I need a new book to read.
I don't like what-ifs..but I often wonder what could have been.
I need shelves for my room.
I want my third tattoo..anyone want to pay for it?
I miss Marge..aka my partner in crime..aka Maddie Hayes.
I love Colin. He answered the phone today and it was the cutest thing ever.
I hope my family likes their gifts. I love buying presents for people.
I kind of like that my bed is hard..odd I know.
I miss Em..come back to Kato.
I love having J as a roommate.
I need to go running, I hate being sick.
I hope Annie comes to visit...T and Heid..and Mols..you should come too!
I love talking about God with Heather, I never feel judged.
I miss College Life Sundays at Park.
I am going to go enjoy a good dinner as much as I can with the whole hurting while I swallow thing.

I just moved into my new apt 518 courtyard!! Yay for being out of the dorms. I am not going to lie though, I became a little sad tonight when I started to unpack. I don't exactly know why but Joy was a good roommate and friend and its a little sad to realize we're not roommates anymore. She'll just have to stop by once in a while.

It crazy to think that this semester is already over. So much has happened and I have loved every minute of it. Okay probably not every minute but I have learned a lot. Like I love Mankato, and Gamma Phi but I still miss people from home and Chicago but I know this is where I am meant to be right now. I've learned that if something is bothering me, well I am going to let you know. Thats just who I am.

Oh and I love being able to have candles...PS I have 5 it right now.

Me vs. Madonna vs. Elvis

With one or two I get used to the room
We go slow when we first make our moves
'Bout five or six bring you out to the car
Number nine with my head on the bar
And its sad, but true
Out of cash and I owe you.


I got desperate desires and unadmirable plans
My tongue will taste of gin and malicious intent
Bring you back to the bar, get you out of the cold
A sober straight face, gets you out of your clothes
And they're scared, that we know
All the crimes they'll commit
Who they'll kiss before they get home.

I will lie awake
Lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say.

Barely conscious in the door where you stand
Your eyes are fighting sleep while
Your mouth makes your demands
You laugh at every word
Trying hard to be cute
I almost feel sorry for what I'm gonna do
And your hair smells of smoke
Who will cast the first stone?
You can sin or spend the night all alone.

Brass buttons on your coat hold the cold,
In the shape of a heart that they cut out of stone
You're using all your looks that you've thrown from the start
If you let me have my way, I swear I'll tear you apart
Cause its all you can be
You're a drunk
And your scared
Its ladies night, all the girls drink for free.

I will lie awake
and lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
let you fall for every empty word I say.

I will lie awake
And lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say.

I will lie awake
And lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say

So much happened in 24 hours.

I was initiated. I am finally an active member of Gamma Phi Beta and I couldn't be more happy!

I can't believe it happened. I can't believe they're not here for me to tell them. December 16/17 can't come fast enough.

I am getting out of the Dorms, I am.

Surprisingly I'm ok.

but wrong guy.

I loved spending the day with Al, I wish that all of my girls were here.

But I don't know if I am going to make it here until Saturday. I miss Mankato.

I am so stoked to find out who my mom is you have no idea! I am pretty sure that I know who it is but you never can be 100% sure.

Okay so I am utterly confused. Maybe I am just reading too much into things like girls usually do, or maybe I'm not. I have no clue and no idea where to go with this. Thanksgiving break starts tomorrow and then when we get back we have I week which means so no booze and no boys. Theres time to play it out but seriously someone needs to inform me or something.

okay minus the being intoxicated part.

We had a good night of sarinating...a little awkward but oh so fun!

Had a little chat.

Let's be honest we treat Thursday nights right.

Way too intoxicated to comprehend that we probably looked like weirdo, little middle school girls.

Sometimes I feel like I am treating this year as if I am a freshman because this is a completely different atmosphere then Park..AKA I am a little crazy when I have a few drinks..and probably pretty annoying unless you're drunk as well.

Live and learn right, live and learn.

Luther for the weekend! So excited to see the guys!..+ Alex and Kat.

I am exhausted.
Actually thats an understatement.
Thank goodness tomorrow is Wednesday,
because then its Thursday,
and as of then my weekend starts!

PS Cassy lent me Nip/Tuck Season 3..who wants to have a marathon?

PPS No worries Bec, we will still have our marathon when you get home!

This weekend was crazy but well worth the wait. On Friday Heather and I had our first interviews at The Olive Garden. I wore pink high heels. It has snowed a good few inches the night before, smart Ashley. For some reason I was so wound up that I couldn't focus. ADD in a major way. Oddly enough I could only think of one thing that I wanted to calm me down. PDL. I was retarded well into the night. Semi was a blast. Apparently the after partying was too. Thanks for the award girls, nothing like picking one fraternity to start with ha.

Saturday I woke up still in my dress. Perfect. Hung around most of the day at the white house and then went to meet up with Cami and Maddie to do it all over again for the Sigma NU semi. I locked my keys in my car with everything for that night in it. Perfect times 2. An hour or so later my car is unlocked and we can start getting ready for semi formal 2. VFW is a swell time and I win a pig, he made me night ha. After VFW we head back to Beau's house and Maddie and I decide it would be a good Idea to head downtown. PS so cold in a dress with no jacket! Don't find who we're supposedly meeting up with but we find Burt and Evan instead. All share a cab. Good guys. Maddie and I continued on our adventures while wearing Beau's clothes. Done with the dresses. Played some video games and I lost my pig.

Today we had the Founders day brunch and I managed to pull off getting ready with a shower in less than a half hour. It was great to see my sister, Emily, and Crystal. I received the Pink Carnation award for new member, it made me really happy and it made my sister cry. I wish she was here so we could be active together. Headed back. Slept in the car, slept when I got back. Desperate Housewives with the girls, new member class (yay only one left!), and debreifing with Em. Productive day.

Good weekend. I can't wait for Luther!

Never again will I mix the two. The outcome: me throwing up. All over myself. I'm not in high school anymore and apparently can't be the rockstar I was then.

We had new member sleepover this weeknd which was of course a blast. Even though we have such a big pledge class (13 babies!) I think that we all get along so well and really feel comfortable with each other. We recieved our pillow cases from our Mom's and let me tell you I am gushing over mine! The letters are fabulous, you truly just have to see them. I am pretty positive who my Mom is (we don't find out until the 21st) but I never can be 100% sure. They trick you, and even if there is a slip up here and there I could be reading too much into it. Maybe I just want her to be my Mom so badly that I hear what I want to hear and thats that. I truly love every active so I would be happy with anyone as my Mom....but I really would love her a lot, a lot. Just 15 days away!
I got to see my brother this weekend because he and Elly were down so we went shopping together. I wish I would have been able to go out with them but there will be other times. Man I love that crazy boy. How awesome would it have been to come to school here with him and Melis but of course I had to do my own thing and go to Chicago, which was a good experience for me, but still. I love that he rips on all the Gammas for being just that, a Gamma Phi, and I love that they all just rip on him right back. Apparently he wants to have a little chat with my date to semi and apparently Jen thought that was real funny.

My thoughts are with all of you. I truly would be nowhere without my family, friends, and IPod.
Prayer, its what keeps me sane.

October was a pretty good month, I can't believe its already over.
- First Sisterhood retreat and christmas pictures. America's Next Top Modle Sorority Addition.
- Bis Sister Cassy!
- Rode in a trunk with Heather.
- Lost my red headband :(
- Didn't get my ID taken away.
- Experienced the Tav.
- Had an ear infection at 20.
- Heather and Chels's bday party.
- Statz spilling her entire drink in my lap right before we go into a party where we don't know more than 3 people.
- First Halloween party at Melis and Dan's.
- TOT and WOW events were invented.
- My adventures with Rissa.
- Everything dealing with Gamma Phi.

November:
- 20 days until I find out who my Mom is!
- New member sleepover this weekend!
- I week.
- Semi Formal.
- Luther with Em!
- My brothers birthday.
- The OC season 4!
- Founders Day.
- Everything dealing with Gamma Phi!

I don't know what to do.
Not once.
Twice now.
This is a major awkwi.
The worst part, I don't remember what happened.
I know something did though.
Sometimes I scare myself.


On a lighter note I found someone who I can rip the semester cd from. Joy in a compact.

Last night was well, yea last night. I don't like blacking out. It freaks me out and usually you end up saying sorry for something. I need to take it down a notch, or 3.

Being home is weird. I find myself wondering what going on in Mankato and not wanting to miss out on whatever it is. I am so happy there its crazy. Not that I'm not happy at home, or with my friends here, its just different. I find that I have already grown, and changed within the past 2 months. It will be good to see my family tomorrow but I am ready to go back to Mankato and I haven't even been home for 24hrs, I guess its kind of good that I feel that way. Heck I might even make it back in time for my shift on Sunday but probably not. I really hope that I get this job at The Olive Garden, I am just over Dunn Brothers and the disorginization of it.

I have a new interest, yea thats all.

I slept until 11 today and my head still felt like a 1000 lbs.